I don't normally talk about my job. I'm just enough of a paranoid delusional that I figure even if I never mention where I work specifically, eventually someone would figure out and I'd get fired or shipped to Gitmo or something. So I just don't talk about it.
Now I need to talk about it.
I hate my job. Okay, actually I don't really HATE it, but it's just extremely frustrating. We're in a very money-needy industry, my employers and I, and unfortunately we aren't getting as much money as we need. Because of this, cuts need to be made. And it's having a negative impact on my position.
Many years ago, I was hired here to be a glorified mail person. I showed up my first day and was promoted on the spot; one of the employees had quit over the weekend, no notice, and so I took her job. I called people about things, and mailed things off to people, but these tasks were far more involved than just dealing with the mail. I was pretty busy, but every once in a while I would take a minute or two beyond lunch to write X-Files fan fiction. Things were pretty good: I was on my own with not a care in the world, and I had few bills, a cheap apartment, and I was making enough money to buy myself crap and drink occasionally.
Then six months later, I was promoted again. A guy left for greener pastures and I took over. Now I was ordering stuff, and fucking around with computer databases. I was drunk with power. Okay, not really. But I really enjoyed what I was doing: it required a lot of attention to detail, and there were precise rules that needed followed, and it was a whole different experience than the retail I'd been working. I loved it so much that I started going to school to learn more about it. I paid for the whole thing myself, with no loans; the upside was that once I had a degree in hand, the big money and bigger opportunities would start rolling in.
After a while, the person who'd taken my old job left. Rather than fill the position, the duties were split equally: one guy got to call people, and I got to mail things off to people. I was still doing my job, but half of the other person's job got tacked on. Okay, no sweat.
But then something insidious happened: the money really started to dry up. The money that should have refilled the position became the money that should have paid for things I could order. So now I wasn't really ordering much anymore. And then stuff started showing up online, so there was no need for me to order any of those things anymore, either. And because I wasn't ordering much, the person who paid for my orders didn't have orders to pay for. So she began grabbing some of my work for herself, because what else did she have to do?
And so now it's gotten to the point that there are some days I come in, and I literally do nothing. I would be better off taking the day off than sit here perusing the internet all day. So I applied for another job.
I had an interview yesterday for a position which would be a little more involved than what I do now. I was a total spaz and shared way too much information about a great many things. I think I may be missing an internal censor when it comes to situations such as that. At least I didn't say fuck. I've been known to bust that out at inappropriate times.
The Husband seems to think I've got it sewn up, but they seemed to be concerned that I lack certain experience dealing with the public that would be an important component of the job. They would train me for everything else.
But unfortunately, yesterday showed me that I've sort of stuck myself in a corner with the job I'm presently in. I have my degree, but it's led to nothing here: I didn't get a pay raise, I didn't get any new duties. In fact, I've had duties taken away from me. So after ten years in my job--five of those years in school--I'm basically back to doing the job I was originally hired in to do.
One of the listservs I belong to had a post explaining what a person in my career needs to succeed. One of the things mentioned was a Masters in any subject other than the degree I just got. It improves your knowledge base and your marketability. Crazily, I am currently working in a place were I could, through finagling, get such a degree FOR FREE (contingent on getting into the program, of course). So why haven't I done that? Because I'm a lazy fucktard, that's why. TOO MUCH WORK. And the admittance test is really hard and I test poorly. And I might not actually like the subject. And it'd be a lot of work and I'm allergic to work. Of course, I'd have shit loads of time here at my job to do my homework, har har!
One of the interviewers asked me if getting the degree would improve my situation here at my current job, but it wouldn't: we have all the employees we need and can afford. So I'd get my second degree, and I'd STILL be doing this same shitty waste of a day job. Unless I found something else which I would probably now, by virtue of that second degree, be qualified to do.
I need someone to tell me what I should do. Part of the problem is I feel like I’m starting to fall into a funk, a true depressive episode. The Husband had to pretty much force me to write a thank you note for my interview this morning. I just don't care. But I care enough that I've had a rash all over my body for the last two days from worrying about this.
And I sort of got the impression that a lot of what the job would entail would be the sort of crap I do right now: just busy work. But then again there might be some cool research projects, and it would be more money, but probably not much more.
And then one of the interviewers said I sounded well suited for civic work, that he was surprised I hadn't considered it before now. And they were all very shocked that I had the opportunity to go to school here, for free, and that I hadn't taken it. But I think about how much work would be involved with that, and there's so much TV I need to watch...
I've reached an impasse, I think. What do I want for the long term? Do I sacrifice a degree for more money, although it probably wouldn't really be sacrificing? Do I stay here and sacrifice and try to get into school, although that probably can't be considered sacrificing, either? I told The Husband I need to find someone with a time machine, who can go into the future and come back and tell me which decision I made and let me know how it appears to have worked out. I don't know what will make me happy. Part of me says LEAVE and part of me says LOOK AT WHAT YOU'D BE LEAVING.
I'll tell you a funny story, that will put my indecisiveness in perspective:
Once upon a time in high school, I had to take a test that would tell me what I was supposed to do for the rest of my life. At the time, I really wanted to be a lawyer; all those late nights of LAW & ORDER made me want to be Jack McCoy SO BAD. I finished the test early, so I figured up the scores for myself, and I discovered to my horror that I was in absolutely no shape or way suited to be a lawyer.
I went back and changed all my answers so the test would come out for "lawyer."
I think I need to take the test again.
